My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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