cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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