I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
