Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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