ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
