My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
