I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
