In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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