if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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