Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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