He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
