if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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