I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
