haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
