Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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