dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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