my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
