Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
