cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
