Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
