I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
