He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
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Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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