I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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