dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
