Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
