Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
