Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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