This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
What a dumb baby whore.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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