Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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