i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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