and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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