If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
