That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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