I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
