this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
