More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
