I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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