there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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