11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
