i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
