just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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