Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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