I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
