I feel great
I just peed on a car
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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