I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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