K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
