i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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