So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
