i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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