I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
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It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize