Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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