Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
