I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need water and some morals
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
