here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
