He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
should my penis look like a turkey
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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