singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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