It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
