I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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