Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
