The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
