seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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