you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
